Getting Boundaries Right
It seems like everyone’s talking about boundaries—most seem to get them wrong. Many people (influencers in particular) frame boundaries as a way of dictating others’ behavior: “You can’t do that. This is my boundary.” While sometimes that might work. what happens when a person declines to respect the boundaries you set? This is where I see a lot of online discussions about boundaries fall short.
What do helpful boundaries look like?
Setting (and reinforcing!) boundaries is about making your own choices and dictating your own responses in relation to others. I would hate for your peace to be dependent on the readiness of others to respect your requests. Good boundaries allow you to create your own peace and safety, regardless of how others react. And they don’t just benefit you; they also help protect relationships from violating behaviors, allowing for more room for connection in the relationship.
Engaging well in relationships also includes reinforcing good boundaries. You might clearly communicate what behaviors you are not okay with. Totally fair! Just as important, however, is knowing what you’ll do if your boundary is not respected. Will you remove yourself from the situation? Share less vulnerably? Limit your interactions? Or, in more extreme cases, cut someone off entirely? You have the right to exercise these choices appropriately for the health of you and your relationships.
Why Setting and Reinforcing Boundaries Can Be So Difficult
Setting boundaries and being firm in your asks is hard! Since you are more likely to assert boundaries to unwanted behavior, you might face some discomfort in a relationship. This discomfort may be compounded if you historically haven’t felt safe to express yourself in a relationship. People are often resistant to change, and challenging existing relationship dynamics may result in the other person getting upset.
Setting boundaries is only the first step. Some people may test whether you will reinforce your boundaries. In such cases, it’s important to react to boundary violations with an appropriate response. Reinforcing boundaries creates more safety for you, allowing you to better engage and connect in the relationship. Being consistent in following through with an appropriate response shows others that you are serious about your boundaries and are not interested in compromising your relational safety.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can help you…
Identify barriers to setting helpful boundaries. You might be hesitant to set boundaries, even if being silent is ultimately harmful to your relationship. A therapist can help you identify what’s stopping you from setting these boundaries.
Problem solve practical boundaries. There’s no one right way of doing boundaries. You might set different boundaries depending on the relationship. A therapist can help you identify specific boundaries to set depending on the issue and relationship.
Improve communication skills. The “how” of setting a boundary is just as important as the “what” of the boundary. A therapist can help you be clear, concise, respectful, and firm with setting and reinforcing boundaries.
Have accountability toward your relational goals. Boundaries are hard! When boundaries become difficult, it can be helpful to have a cheerleader to support you in creating more safety for you and your relationships.
Manage emotions when boundaries are tested. It’s easy to become dysregulated when others cross your boundaries, and it’s difficult to stay regulated enough to continue to reinforce them. A therapist can help you navigate those feelings!
Build resilience in boundaries. Consistency, consistency, consistency! Relationships need consistency to feel safe. Being resilient in your boundaries can help with that consistency and safety. A therapist help you build that resilience.
Conclusion
Setting good boundaries helps with your well-being and the health of your relationships. The purpose of boundaries is not to control others but to assert your agency in determining how you choose to navigate your relationships. Taking the time to set boundaries is tough, but you can create more peace, safety, and fulfillment in your relationships as you stay consistent in boundary-setting.
If you’d like to continue to grow in setting good boundaries, the therapists at Oak and Stone Therapy will be eager to support you in this process. You don’t have to do this alone! We want to support you in creating new relationship dynamics that are more safe and fulfilling.
Samuel Kim, LMFT #141541 is a male Asian / Korean American licensed marriage and family therapist at Oak and Stone Therapy who offers virtual therapy in the San Francisco Bay Area, Los Angeles, & for expats living in other countries. Samuel specializes in premarital counseling, couples therapy, and individual therapy for adult children of immigrants and Asian expats living in cross-cultural environments who want to navigate better their anxiety, imposter syndrome, family of origin traumas, depression, burnout, and relationships.
